Road to Recovery

Hi.

It goes without saying that the title speaks for itself.

I’ve acknowledged that I’ve got a new low.

Now it is time for me to regain focus, composure, and emplace the proper faith in myself that I should have from the beginning.

I’m excited for new positive challenges, positive people around me, and new opportunities.

I know the road will be long and often challenging, but I believe I can muster up from previous experiences and make the right choices.

Even if I find myself at a crossroad or near a roadblock, I know there are avenues not to take.

I am excited to get back on the road again.

I’m leaving behind those toxic people that chose to haunt me, and that chose to utilize specific means and devices that did nothing but leave my path clouded with stress and despair.

I’m leaving behind places and pit stops that aren’t friendly or helpful in anyway.

I’m choosing to embark into a world that will be positive, uplifting, and inspiring.

I know the road won’t be easy, but I have done some hard stuff in my life, and I’m overall excited to see where this road will lead me.

I won’t walk blindly.

And I run along this road as often as I can.

Return to The Mount

My hand gently grasped onto the side of the cliff, and I had tried desperately to pull myself up.

I could see a new horizon.

I squinted my eyes to see how much further I had to go, and it had appeared that there was so much more climbing for me to do. I then tried to position my feet in a way that could help the climb be easier, and instantly lost my control.

Then began my incredibly horrible and painful descend to the bottom of the mountain.

I had been climbing for 8 years. I remember when I first began; I was a new mountain climber, without gear and knowledge of how to start or where to begin. Before I started my climb, I had encountered a few settlers at the bottom of the mountain. They had informed me how difficult of a climb it was, and how many people they think actually made it from the bottom. As we conversed, one of the settlers directed me toward a burial site. There had to have been hundreds of thousands of grave stones.

The settler, who remains unnamed, said to me that this was not the only burial site, and that this mountain was so big that they had no choice but to spread their remains among the outskirts of their valley. I couldn’t believe how many people I had seen buried, but at the same time, I grew ever more anxious, for I had known that this journey would be a prolific right of passage.

At the bottom of the mountain is where I began my journey; I stood there ready and anxious to begin my climb. I had acquired all of the gear that I needed, and carried a map that told me of specific rest stops. As I took my very first step to begin my climb, I tripped over something that appeared invisible. The settler came over to me and said, “here lies an invisible climber.”

I stood there in disbelief. “How could someone be invisible?”, I thought to myself. I stood there for a moment, as to acknowledge the one individual who had fallen. . .

The individual who had fallen, had been me. After my tumble to the bottom of the mountain, I laid there, and watch as hundreds of people passed me by. I had even seen myself stand there, looking down at me, with eyes that didn’t quite understand what was to come.

Return to The Mount

First VA Appointment

I went to the VA today. It was my first appointment with them since active duty. It was a very uplifting experience. I talked to several health professionals, and they have given me plans to get back on the right track.

My next step is to develop a series of goals.

Some of my long term goals include losing all of the weight that I have gained, eating healthier, quitting tobacco, never drinking again, and never, ever using substances that my body simply doesn’t need.

My short term goal for now is to exercise. I’ve put on too much weight, and I’ve neglected my physique. I used to enjoy waking up and going on runs, or going on late night runs, and going to gyms to exercise.

I’m excited to battle my problems. I’ve felt alone for years, and went to the wrong places for comfort. I now have great help, and I believe with The VA I’ll make a great recovery.

Depression

It’s noon. I’m finally awake, but my body doesn’t want to move. I haven’t been very active, and my mind wanders. My mind has always wandered, but now, it appears so lost.

It has been 150 days. I’ve spent too many days staring out of my window, peering across the street as strangers pass by. I sometimes stare into the Sun. I used to love peering into the sun.

My last job wasn’t quite fulfilling. I got to plant wonderful flowers, and I met wonderful people, but it was so short lived. They could tell, just like before. I was suffering. It was reminiscent of most of my jobs; too short lived. I don’t think I’ve made great progress at my places of work. I’ve served my country and earned medals, only to give up. I’ve been promoted, but I always end up somewhere else. I feel so misplaced.

I used to strive for success, where I could, and longed for love. 150 days ago, I was engaged. It all fell apart. It was my fault. Half a year has gone, and I’ve yet to reimerge. I quit my job, and I’ve given up on society. What you’re reading, is all that I currently have. The Life of Mecella, a man on the brink.

I call myself a blogger on LinkedIn. I own this blog. It’s worth nothing. I’ve written poetry, and other writings, but I haven’t felt the passion to write anymore. I haven’t felt the passion to live.

I have no more passion.

My mind is now going through a withdrawal. Not from drugs, or alcohol, but life.

I am depressed. I am suffering from depression.

The thoughts of my past have consumed me to the point that it feels it all happened yesterday. I wake up, and for hours, every hour, my mind replays moments from my past, and some of them are flagrant exaggerations. It just happened, but, I don’t know what to do.

I started this blog, hoping to monetize it, or to gain popularity. I often think wealth or the latter would help me.

As a Walker, I’ve lost my stride. I’ve made too many mistakes, let alcohol numb some pain, encountered the wrong crowd at times, and well, completely forgot what it meant to strive for excellence.

My boyish energy, my charisma, my energy levels have all vanished. I’m casting myself with doubt, and, I want it to end. I want to peak aeay from, where I now descend into despair.

At times, I want my life to end. At times, I want to kill myself.

My depression isn’t clinically diagnosed yet, so, I’m just saying that I have it. I know there is help, medicine, and I know there are people who care. If only I could find the motivation I once had, to go running, to work harder, to study, to lift weights, to engage..

I hate this feeling, and I’m praying for recovery and a happy ending.

It’s midnight.

untitled

I’m not sure where to start, and I’m not sure where I began.

If it were to begin at a specific moment, perhaps I can never find it again.

There was a moment when I could find where I was going, there was a time where I could see.

Now life is spiraling steadily forward, and I’m not so sure how to be.

I’ve run out of ways to be successful, although I know there is a way to brink.

I’ve once upon a time been so quite able,
but now I can’t even find the way to think.

Life, you weren’t an easy thing to think of.
Love, you were never so easy to understand.
Father, I feel ask though I need your love.
Mother, I am sorry I feel so damned.

No Longer a Soldier (trying to be happy now)

My love life has been terrible. Fantastic partners, and yet, I have failed them all it seems.

So yesterday marked the last day of my military service to the United States of America. I started my contract December 10, 2010, and lasted up until April 25, 2018 (a little under 8 years). I made it up to the rank of Corporal, and was honorably discharged in 2014. I then joined the US Army reserves, and couldn’t no longer hang, so I stopped showing up, and was just discharged with an Other Than Honorable. I also lost my rank.

I do feel shameful, but it isn’t as bad as my mind has been. I have been dealing with what is PTSD, and it hasn’t been good. While in service, I have worked for the United States Postal Service, Allied Barton, Allied Universal, Thomas Jefferson University, The University of Pennsylvania, and The National Park Service. I have to admit, I think I may be a bit slow, haha. I haven’t necessarily had the best track record of accomplishing everything I am supposed to.

I only completed 5 college courses over the years. I did go to school to be a Dental Assistant. I also completed a fueling school.

Right now, I have been unemployed for a rather long time, perhaps the longest time since leaving high school. I left The Park Service November 2017, and it is currently April. I will be 29 in 3 weeks.

I think I have more regrets than accomplishments. Some of them are due to alcoholism, poor company, and bad decision making. So what am I supposed to do about this?

My mind has been anywhere and everywhere but focused, and now I have to find a way to qualm my mind, body and soul, and reintegrate back into The United States. I haven’t been doing what I am supposed to, and now, I want to find my happiness.

It starts now. I am grateful for my family, although I have been nothing but trouble. They know that I am internally struggling, but they have given me shelter and love beyond what I deserve.

I say I have nothing, but I do have people who have loved me. So now, I have to rebuild. I want it to be easy, but people say nothing in life is easy, and I have been taught nothing in life is free. It is true, both of those statements.

I would love a handout! Free money! Hahaha, that is my dream. For someone to just say, “hey, take this, and live. I’ll see you later.” It won’t, I think, but I’d be grateful.

I’ve gotten pretty fat. I used to work out, as my only means of relieving what incredible stresses I have compiled. Now all I have done is sat and slept in my bed, depressed, without love, without guidance, without hope. I haven’t read any books, I haven’t studied, and I haven’t worked. You can even tell by my writing, that I’m not exuding any great intelligence.

At 28 years and 12 months, this is who I am.

I have been successful, though. I have made accomplishments. I have completed Army missions. I have been a gardener. A security officer. A Cashier. I have helped people who needed help. I’ve tried, but I have been unfortunate. I have had terrible days, but tried to make them good. I’ve had to grind, where it was always impossible to take steps forward.

Pointless random slander written aimlessly. That is how I would categorize my life.

This is a way to mechanize myself, to put myself to use. By sharing something with the world, putting myself out here, I hope to recover. My poetry I hoped would help, and I did write a book.

If you haven’t noticed, my thoughts are all over the place. So, I will say fin.

Fin

Explosive Behavior

Lake placid creeping up the alley throwing knives down, wives lane,
flying over airplanes, spinning games rigged by the man nigga campaign,
journey to another foreign land, reap the day gain. Insane.
Dead men walking, Eighteen, anthem bang bang. Chang gang,
knives in ya back and your dead. United Nations, of war,
U.S. money and we’re dead. They’re in ya head,
taking all ya money and ya toasted bread.
Reflections of life are shared, so repeat what we do,
“configurising” the masses to walk into evil doom.
Blow up the buildings,
then the Muslim men they sued,
“Easily, we’re now taking your money,
and your spine right out of you.”
It’s a pity, these cats are really gritty
now its shitty how the whole world’s capped up and raining on the itty bitty people of the towns acting gritty given in and killing one another until we exist no more. Bombs over Baghdad , Philadelph and Illinois, the corrupt, is making and snaking with a silent noise of deadly proportionated publicized life support beyond the scopes of man, they hanging men by knots and rope.