My love life has been terrible. Fantastic partners, and yet, I have failed them all it seems.
So yesterday marked the last day of my military service to the United States of America. I started my contract December 10, 2010, and lasted up until April 25, 2018 (a little under 8 years). I made it up to the rank of Corporal, and was honorably discharged in 2014. I then joined the US Army reserves, and couldn’t no longer hang, so I stopped showing up, and was just discharged with an Other Than Honorable. I also lost my rank.
I do feel shameful, but it isn’t as bad as my mind has been. I have been dealing with what is PTSD, and it hasn’t been good. While in service, I have worked for the United States Postal Service, Allied Barton, Allied Universal, Thomas Jefferson University, The University of Pennsylvania, and The National Park Service. I have to admit, I think I may be a bit slow, haha. I haven’t necessarily had the best track record of accomplishing everything I am supposed to.
I only completed 5 college courses over the years. I did go to school to be a Dental Assistant. I also completed a fueling school.
Right now, I have been unemployed for a rather long time, perhaps the longest time since leaving high school. I left The Park Service November 2017, and it is currently April. I will be 29 in 3 weeks.
I think I have more regrets than accomplishments. Some of them are due to alcoholism, poor company, and bad decision making. So what am I supposed to do about this?
My mind has been anywhere and everywhere but focused, and now I have to find a way to qualm my mind, body and soul, and reintegrate back into The United States. I haven’t been doing what I am supposed to, and now, I want to find my happiness.
It starts now. I am grateful for my family, although I have been nothing but trouble. They know that I am internally struggling, but they have given me shelter and love beyond what I deserve.
I say I have nothing, but I do have people who have loved me. So now, I have to rebuild. I want it to be easy, but people say nothing in life is easy, and I have been taught nothing in life is free. It is true, both of those statements.
I would love a handout! Free money! Hahaha, that is my dream. For someone to just say, “hey, take this, and live. I’ll see you later.” It won’t, I think, but I’d be grateful.
I’ve gotten pretty fat. I used to work out, as my only means of relieving what incredible stresses I have compiled. Now all I have done is sat and slept in my bed, depressed, without love, without guidance, without hope. I haven’t read any books, I haven’t studied, and I haven’t worked. You can even tell by my writing, that I’m not exuding any great intelligence.
At 28 years and 12 months, this is who I am.
I have been successful, though. I have made accomplishments. I have completed Army missions. I have been a gardener. A security officer. A Cashier. I have helped people who needed help. I’ve tried, but I have been unfortunate. I have had terrible days, but tried to make them good. I’ve had to grind, where it was always impossible to take steps forward.
Pointless random slander written aimlessly. That is how I would categorize my life.
This is a way to mechanize myself, to put myself to use. By sharing something with the world, putting myself out here, I hope to recover. My poetry I hoped would help, and I did write a book.
If you haven’t noticed, my thoughts are all over the place. So, I will say fin.