It Won’t Be Easy

But it is what I have to do. I have to give up the life that I recklessly lived. I have to, as an adult, become more of an adult. I have to force myself into a new level of maturity. It will require me to work harder, to apply myself more efficiently and effectively, and it will require me to let go of people and habits that I can confidently say won’t be able to help me along my way.

I have to pave a new path, and along the way, I am excited for every single challenge. I know that some of my challenges, I probably won’t be able to meet or overcome without help, but as I mature, I am going to try my best to find new help along more peaceful and productive avenues.

I want to redevelop my imagination so that I can successfully become a better citizen, someone who cares about other’s development and success. I want to harness my mind in a way that I think more clear, and am more focused for day to day tasks.

I want to, and desperately need to stay away from negative energies and influences. I know it will be tough, but it is what I have to do, if I ever want to again (or for the first time) find myself in a situation of absolute success. I now crave success and awards and more earnings and a lifestyle that I feel comfortable, unlike before, where I was comfortable being someone that did not have their own best interests at heart.

I need to go back to school. I need to learn new things, things and skills that I can apply immediately in society so that I can pave a new way for me to live, and also help people at the same time.

I need to save up my earnings, and pay off my debts, what I consider my ultimate problem. People have said that money is the root of evil, and costly spending habits and not being focused on the future is how I would categorize how I have lived my life up to now. I have a giant hole in front of me, my current roadblock, and it is time to fill it up, plant my own flag or tree atop it, and start anew from there.

I need to ensure myself that I focus on my mind, body and soul with good intentions and not negative intentions. I need to assure that everyday, although I may push myself too hard at the gym, overload myself with school or professional work, that I always place my needs first in a fashion so that I can learn to be more independent, while trying to adhere to the principle of selfless service that I learned from the military.

I also need to remain humble. I recently turned 29 years old, and I feel that I need to acknowledge God, and right now put him first, for without him I do not think I would have made it this far. In their category, I do also add my family. They have been here for me through thick and thin, and even now, as I have succumb to someone I wished not to be (with all the intent of a successful recovery), they have not given up on me, have sheltered me, and have filtered into my life unconditional love and support.

This is what I must do. It won’t be easy, but it will be rewarding once I get to see how much I have matured over the years. I am soon to be 30, and it is now time for me to make drastic changes in my world. With my experiences and current attributes, I will try my hardest to stay healthy, and become a much better person overall.

Alone

Being alone, as in being by yourself or not being in the company of friends on a daily or semi-daily basis is currently the status of my life. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In my case, it is helpful to me as I can see more clear, and I believe I am thinking more positively, etching out more positive and effective plans and refocusing on efforts to increase the wellness of my mind, body and soul. There was a point in my life where I did not enjoy being alone. I have to say, I grew up thinking that to be well placed in society, although performance meant most, I would have to focus on what people liked about me, and that in turn turned into a period of forming bad habits. During my high school years, I started associating myself with people that I would call friends for almost a decade. Now, I’ve come to the realization that those that I considered friends were nothing more than a gateway into a world of events and habits that never really had any positive effect on me. In hindsight, I do not discredit any of them, because I know that they are all gainfully employed individuals, with there own lives and ambitions, but I have to admit that the sizable hole I currently feel I am successfully going to dig myself completely out of can be contributed me considering it so necessary to spend so much time around them.

I needed there attention. I needed to be around them it seemed, almost as if I could not exist within my own bubble, without one of them being present.

I just spent 6 months loathing. This was a very difficult period for me, I’d say even more difficult then the 9 weeks it took me to graduate from US Army basic training. I say this, particularly because it was my physical body versus my mind. During these past 6 months, I believe I momentarily lost touch with my own spirit. As if it my spirit had decided to take a hiatus, I found my self nonetheless the man I had once mentioned in a poem, laying in my bed for weeks with a pillow atop my head, unable to control my thoughts, unaware of what was happening in the world, and in an incredible lengthy period of despair. During those 6 months, I learn 3 very important things:

1. I am what matters most in my life. I am who will overcome my own problems. I am the person in my world who has to put forth the muster and stride forward in order to succeed. I am in control of my own destiny.

2. There are no true friends in my world. Having been unseen from society for 6 months sparked no alerts to any of my friends, former colleagues (except one individual who I am thankful for), or battle buddies in the US Army Reserves. I had not received one knock on the door. I had no visits. By process of elimination, I am alone, and henceforth I say again, there are no true friends in my world.

3. The sky truly is the limit.

I learned a lot more. A lot of what I have learned are things I knew, but I had let myself become victim of toxic habits and environments that over convoluted my mind. As I sit here, I am thankful I am still here. I am thankful God has given me life. I am thankful for the opportunities that I have had, the wealth I have been able to grasp, and the chances I have been afforded to take. I am forever thankful for my family, for they are completely excluded from those I’d consider the group of “friends” I am talking about.

To those who read this, I want you to know there is a slight chance that any of those individuals will read this. I’ll selflessly admit that these people never truly were my friends. I was a dunce. In laments terms, I had probably made a decades long mistake encouraging myself to be around them. This rant of mine, I feel I could go on forever writing about the mistakes I’ve made wanting to be in the accompaniment of these individuals. I can even contribute me not finishing college to these people, these people that I called my friends.

To avert your attention to what I really wanted to say this entire time, I want to express what truly is on my chest. Do not become an addict to something that will harm your body. To me, it was alcohol, and I believe it is why I ended up leaving my last job. I urge you, with extreme caution, do not let deadly drugs or alcohol consume you. If I had a time machine, I would go back to 2006 at the very start of my junior year in high school, and I would hand myself a manifesting paper that clearly told him the effects of marijuana, and more so, the effects of alcohol. I would then tell him personally to enjoy staying alone.

I promise, I would say unto myself, “enjoy being alone. Please, value your life, and your every breathe, for you are the most important person in your world, and you’ll only receive one life.”

To you who’ll read this, the statement I just wrote doesn’t necessarily have to be aimed at me. I want YOU to remember those words too. Life is precious. Never give up.

Not Temptation

The apple was not my temptation.

It was moist though, dripping from the morning dew.

As I grasped it, I was nothing else but compelled to take an incredible bite.

I have to promise you, it was not temptation.

But the feeling that overcame me after just one bite. . .

I have troubles describing how amazing it was, to say the least.

As a matter of fact, it was superfluous.

It was love, it was passion, it was life.

Three bites later, and I felt like a new man.

Had I won the lottery? Did I win a new car?

No.

I merely ate an apple one day from breakfast.

A very, very red delicious apple.

5 Year Journey

I suddenly stopped.

I took a knee for a while.

Back to my journey.

Meet The Early Sun

To be up early

and make life feel much better

That is my new goal